Have you ever said this about your home? My clients tend to say this about expectations and routines for their kids around any change of season: at the beginning of summer vacation, the start of a new school year, or even heading into spring break. At these times parents tend to take stock of how things have been going in the house and start dreaming about how life could/should be.
We start dreaming about kids who clean up after themselves, choose less screen time, and even offer spontaneous help around the house. In general, parents are longing for kids who are more motivated, responsible, and independent: displaying the self-discipline need to become healthy, happy people.
And lots of parents jump from this daydream to implementing sweeping changes and complicated systems that often involve new rewards and calibrated punishments for desired and undesired behavior. Now more than ever we need routine and predictability.
New reforms for a new era of life at home!
Which last for about 2 weeks.
If that.
Why? Why do these systems fail? Why is it so hard to change the way things happen in our home? Because we try to change too much, too quickly, and make things too complicated. The kids have no buy-in to the new system so once the novelty wears off they’re not interested. Or they resent having to make changes in the first place. And parents struggle with the thing that most parents struggle with: consistency.
Setting up a plan is easy, following through is hard.
So if you do want to make some changes in your house here are some approaches to keep in mind.
1. Start small.
If your kids have ‘gone feral’ i.e. 8 hours of screen time a day, while wearing their pajamas and foraging snacks from the pantry, up-all-night, asleep-all-day, not sure the last time they brushed their teeth, and can’t see the floor of their bedroom, it is not realistic to expect perfectly groomed children who will serve you a nutritionally sound breakfast at the table while outlining their study goals for the day. And let’s be honest, we all let things slide as we maneuvered the pandemic and summer vacation this year. So pick a few, specific actions you’d like to see more of and some you’d like to see less of and start there.
2. Be developmentally appropriate.
When picking these actions PLEASE consider what your child is actually capable of. So often I hear parents express frustration that their kid isn’t doing something that age-wise the child or teen should be able to do. However, if you have not taught your kids how to do it or consistently required that they do it (more on that later) it is unlikely they will be able to perform that skill correctly. Each task, whether it is scraping a plate and loading it into the dishwasher, getting up on their own, or doing their laundry regularly enough that they don’t run out of clothes, requires that you teach them every step.
3. Involve the kids
You will get more buy-in when kids are part of the solution. If you are want changes in your home I highly recommend discussing it with your kids. You can start with age-appropriate issues with children as young as preschool age. Describe the problem and invite everyone to participate in brainstorming solutions. Almost any problem can be addressed together: there’s a mountain of wet clothes in the bathroom, we aren’t having enough fun together as a family, I’m stressed out because you’re scrambling for project supplies right before the deadline, I no longer want to be only one in charge of feeding everyone. Together, pick a possible solution that best addresses everyone’s needs and agree to try it for a few weeks. Know that you can check in with each other if the solution ends up having flaws and make tweaks as needed. For more specific ideas on how to involve kids in problem solving, give me a call or check out How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.
4. Don’t rescue.
We, as in humans, always learn things by doing them badly before we do them well. This is the process of learning. So once you have taught your kid a new skill and given them the responsibility, know that it won’t go great. This is how we learn. See if you can tolerate the imperfections and communicate your expectations without discouraging your kid. But whatever you do, do not do it yourself. Let them struggle so that they will learn it is important to you for them to get it right.
5. Be realistic.
This is about you. If you end up making plans about checking their progress or adherence to the new system in order to dole out rewards or punishments but truly have no time to follow through, you have to modify the plan. Don’t give up your authority by saying you are going to do something and not do it. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Your kids will learn that words don’t matter and there is no consequence to not living up to the new system. Consistency is the most important aspect to change. So, if you cannot follow through with a solution do not implement that solution. Only commit to what you can realistically do given everything else already on your plate.
6. Celebrate improvement.
Change is hard. Acknowledge any positive changes you see. Your kids will be much more motivated when you notice and celebrate their progress rather than harping on the places they haven’t quite measured up. You’ll foster connection with them when you show them you see their effort.
Parenting is hard in the best of times and these are not the best of times. If you’re looking for support and encouragement, I’m here.
